Last night I came home from a long day a work, all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and watch the y&r but when I walked in I was greeted by a handsome man armed with a kiss. Now that's something I can get used to. It actually makes me think, is it really so hard to be married? So, with that in mind I've decided to change up my blog a bit. It's time to chronicle the ups and downs of being Mrs. Martin.
An Insecure Mrs.
Before C and I got married, I was bombarded with concerns for his laundry and meals. I am not a feminist by any stretch, however I do firmly believe that men should help out and women shouldn't have to do everything in the house. The "roles" have changed over time and I for one believe that we should be partners rather than me a servant. Although C did not share the same concerns as others did, I was still really bothered by the notion that women have one role in the house and that is to be the perfect homemaker.
Although the concerns were voiced at every given opportunity, I tried to let it slide off my back. C doesn't think this way so why did I care so much? The fact of the matter was I didn't want to disappoint my new husband, nor did I want anyone to think I wasn't good enough as a wife. The fear and anxiety of not being enough drove me to tears - which culminated for hours after our rehearsal dinner. Thankfully my best friend was staying with me before the wedding. She kept reassuring me that I was going to be the best wife and C was lucky to get me. That paired with C actually telling me himself that he was so excited and happy to be marrying me helped sooth my fears...for the time being.
It wasn't long after we came back from the honeymoon the concerns started again. My frustration grew more and more this time. I couldn't help with wonder, how do other people deal with the pressures of being a wife? My friend G has been married for quite sometime and has felt a lot of the same pressures. It was so nice to hear that I wasn't alone or crazy for feeling so disheartened. Her solution - make clear boundaries with the husband from day one. Don't get into a rut of being a housewife, split the responsibilities and keep the communication open about what you are feeling or if you feel overwhelmed. She also said to talk to C about what I was feeling - let him know how hurt and upset I was getting. Good advice I thought, so I decided to talk to C. What a man! He was on my side and totally understood. I started to feel better and better. I can do this wife thing.
As we got back to our daily routine, it started again. Questions about how I was as a wife. First of all you must know that I am a great cook and love to cook. C and I eat very well and C helps a lot in the kitchen. He is a master with the bbq and I am the master of baking/inside cooking. If I am going to be home late, C bbq's. If I am home on time - I cook. Easy! I baked a homemade lasagna from scratch for my dad for fathers day. He has raved about it ever since. SEE I AM A GOOD COOK!
Secondly, if I am making something for dinner that can be taken as lunch, C gets that for lunch. If not, then whatever I am making for me he gets. If he doesn't like it - he is welcome to go out to eat or make his own lunch. I am not the lunch lady and I refuse to make special meals just for him to consume at work. C has loved every meal I have given him, so far not an issue.
Thirdly, I have been doing my own laundry for YEARS. I have been on my own for almost 10 years. I clearly know how to keep my clothes clean - and not ruin them. C's clothes have been washed, ironed, folded and put away in the same manner I do mine. Again, if he doesn't like it he can do it himself but he is happy with my launder skills and smells good everyday. I would say a win.
So, what's the problem? Even though I can cook, clean and do laundry people still ask me what I am doing and if I am doing things "the right way". What does that even mean? So my ten years of living on my own has taught me nothing? My mother didn't teach me how to do things like laundry or cooking? Actually she did and did a very good job. She instilled in us kids the importance of being independent and being clean. Everything I have learned about being a grown-up and doing housework has been from my mom. If I sound defensive - it's because I am. I am sick of being treated like I don't know how to live or to live with somebody.C keeps reminding that he is thankful and happy to be with me...but why does this still nag at me?
My friend O explained that when she got married people were always making passive aggressive jokes about her not knowing how to cook or how she shrinks things. Her marriage actually started to fall apart because of the constant badgering. She said she didn't feel like she was enough - that she would never measure up. The more people talked about it, the more she felt depressed. Her husband didn't seem to notice. After only nine months of marriage, it was over. She couldn't take the pressure. Her husband was in shock, but in her mind he didn't stick up for her so he believed what others were saying. She felt she had a F at being a Mrs.
Although I am not even close to that point, I understand where she is coming from. Insecurities come out when people make you feel less than. You start to question everything you do and try that much harder to be better. Thankfully C is very supportive and appreciative of all the work I have been doing. So much so I baked him cookies last night!
How I have decided to deal with people's concerns for his well-being...ignore. I plan to remove myself from people who make me feel less than and be around those who are supportive. At the end of the day C and I have a lot of love and I will protect that love with everything I have got.
Till next time - stay fabulous!
I think you'd were wondering if you'd ever be a Mrs. Someone one day, not Mrs. Sometimes, cuz that would cause so many problems.... About your blog....don't worry. Moving from living on your own to now with your hubby will take adjusting to. Don't assign or be so cognizant of the stereotypical roles - do what feels right to do. I laugh at what I do now cuz I laughed at it when I was growing up....saying I'd never do that! to show you what I mean, I now cut the grass, take out garbage, my hubby vacuums, cleans the oven etc.
ReplyDeleteYour environment and chores are one thing, but hey all this love you both showed each other in front of everyone just recently is what counts. Without it those other things begin to be the focus.